So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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