Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
