Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
