yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
