apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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