If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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