so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Randomize
