Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I'm eating all of the evidence.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
