I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
