The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
