We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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