just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Randomize