Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
