Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
