Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
