Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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