His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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