So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
