I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
