I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
