I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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