i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
you didnt know i had herpes?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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