we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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