Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
