6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
two words...techno handjob
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
