thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
