Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
i've created a new STD.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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