Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
