dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
