the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
there is glitter all over my balls
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