She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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