Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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