I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
