the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
