bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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