You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize