kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Randomize
