I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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