I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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