I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
PANTIES FOUND
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