You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
