I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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