Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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