walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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