I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I need moral support for this bender
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
