Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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