watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
