Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
