This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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