Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Randomize