your parents love me but you hate me
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
