guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
