Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
