she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
