I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
