I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
