the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
