My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
