i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Randomize
