my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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