So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
