u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
